Pursued by God

Beautifully Difficult

“The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.” – Vincent van Gogh

Twice a year, I lead a premarital class at our church. And twice a year, I say these words to the group: 

“If the concept of marriage does not scare you, you don’t understand what you are getting yourself into.”

The vast majority of couples look at me like I’m drooling uncontrollably. They think I’m a pessimist. Their marriage won’t be difficult because they found the right person. Little do they know.

My friend, Mary Maynard, put it this way once. “Marriage is one of the bravest things we ever sign up for. We are committing to let someone into our souls and lives in a way that is totally unique. We are signing up for disclosure of all our foibles, for un-hide-able realness. It is literally stripping naked, body and soul, and asking to be loved. By choosing to marry, we are asking for humility, pain and conflict. As Christians, this is more profound because we enter this relationship really thinking, ‘until death do we part.’ What a huge step of faith! But what joy and benefit it brings as we live out our commitment and live for someone else.”

Marriage, by it’s very nature, is refining. It is two distinctive individuals joining so closely that sparks are inescapable.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  -Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

There is no greater application of this verse than marriage. The inevitable conflict produces a greater good. Each individual in the marriage becomes a better person BECAUSE OF THE CONFLICT.

Don’t look for an easy journey. Embrace the hard road because God is using that other person to draw you to himself. And there is no better trajectory than towards the heart of God. 

Happy

“If I’m not happy, I don’t see why I should stay in this marriage.”

She looked down as she quietly said those words. It was as if she was afraid to give them voice, but believed them completely. With her husband to her right, it was an honest admission of her core belief.  Marriage, to her, was about self-fulfillment and at that point, she was less than fulfilled.

 As a pastor, I hear those words often. A couple entered into marriage believing they found their life partner, the one who would bring them happiness. But somewhere along the line, it all got fuzzy. Life became harder than they ever imagined it would be and their spouse was no longer able to make them happy. Welcome to marriage.

 My wife and I have been married for thirty-three years. Along the way, we have brought each other great joy and immense pain. We have both let each other down, yet we have provided profound companionship. We are best friends. But we have failed to keep each other happy. That was never our goal. We committed before God and witnesses to love each for better or for worse and ended up experiencing a lot of both. I would not have it any other way.

 To shoulder someone with the burden of keeping you happy will doom both of you to deep disappointment and ultimately, failure. If happiness is your goal, get a puppy. Release your spouse from that impossible burden. Then choose to love without expectation. Give yourself to a relationship that will change you from someone seeking self-fulfillment to someone who gives life.

 It is only when you choose to give yourself to another that you will find the love you have been desperately searching for.